âHey, are you okay?â, an acquaintance asked me last weekend. Maybe it was my face or a drooping posture that gave it away, but her simply asking that question brought a tide of emotions, and all I responded was, âLetâs speak later?â Soon after, on my way home, I continued wondering if I shouldâve just cried in front of her.
Over the past few weeks, as Iâve interacted with some friends and colleagues, Palestine and Gaza has been one of the key conversation points. Many times, this question of âhow are youâ has come my way, simply because we follow each other on social media and have discussed the horrors unfolding in Gaza, and these check-ins are ways to initiate further conversations.
My response to the question has been âfeeling lostâ âstrangeâ âweirdâ âangryâ âpainâ âhopelessâ âgriefâ âhelplessâ. Iâve mostly shrugged and end up saying, âI feel blah.â In reply, some nod, some make a sad face, others hold my arm, and then we stay there. However, while in such situations, one would change the topic or find a way to put a nice bow-tie on it, weâre just leaving this sentiment hanging, and not really expecting the other person to fill that gap. Iâm letting a deep sigh out, uncensoring the heaviness that daily Palestinian updates bring.
Staying with uncomfortable emotions is a weird sensation.
The question, âhow are you?â suspends a conversation. It offers no closure and no promises of the next sentence. It hangs heavy in the air and moments collapse in themselves. This heaviness is the weight that each of us carry and must acknowledge if we want to genuinely connect with ourselves and the world.
We cannot unsee the horrors unleashed on the Gazans by the Israeli forces, the biased and one-sided Western media coverage of this onslaught; we cannot unhear thousands of Palestinian voices that have asked for international solidarity; we cannot unfeel the pain and loss that watching countless videos of Palestine and Gaza brings. This is a breakpoint for all of us, living anywhere. And we must reconcile with all the emotions, feelings and thoughts that this brings up in us.
âPalestine is a moral litmus test for the world,â American political activist, Angela Davis recently said in an interview with Al Jazeera. âWe do not live in silos. We do not have our little bubbles in which we get to choose what affects us as individuals,â she noted. None of us can look away from whatâs happening in Gaza. And to be witnessing this catastrophe is to witness everything that arises in us too.
If we have friends / family members who have not spoken about this ongoing violence, then we need to ask them, what stops them from doing so? What makes them feel distant to this unending massacre that has so far claimed more than 8,000 Palestinian lives? What distractions are they hiding their emotions behind?
I have personally not been able to check-in on those folks who have remained silent on this issue. I donât know if they are silently doing their bit or have stationed themselves away from this reality. Either way, I do not know how they are coping, and in that lie other worrying realisations. The situation in Palestine is perhaps also a reminder of our inner selves that are wounded, carrying generations of trauma and histories of settler-colonial violence. It demands us to acknowledge that which affects us, and confront that which does not.
In doing so, we hold the potential to unburden ourselves of the desensitisation that has increasingly been present around us. To stand up for our collective freedoms is to recognise the collective weight that the settler-colonial brutality imposes on us. It is the shoulder we offer to carry this burden as allies. It is perhaps the only way we can truly offer intersectional solidarity.
Palestinian-Canadian lawyer, Diana Buttu said, âPalestinians do not need charity. We need solidarity.â And being in solidarity is understanding that it is a journey, it comes not from taking one action, but a commitment to continue standing in the face of oppression, fear, and fatigue too.
Iâm also recognising, that while we are checking in with each other, we need to sit and check-in with ourselves everyday, more so now. We need to deepen our practices and rituals. We need to pay closer attention to our hearts, minds and bodies. We need to recommit to that which nourishes our souls and heals us. In doing so, we bring our stronger, more resilient selves as allies towards Palestiniansâ demands for freedom and dignity.
Instead of trying to keep a brave face, letâs keep a vulnerable face and a braver heart. A heart that is holding the pain and also holding the courage to speak. The heart that can ask - How are you? How are you coping? Have you held space for the emotions that arise and if not, do you want to do it together?
Letâs not hide these parts when we meet our friends, colleagues, take calls with families and loved ones. Letâs deepen the enquiry, and that might open ways for us to understand our roles as friends, colleagues, neighbours, family members better. Letâs prepare ourselves for the uncomfortable truths that might lie on the other side of these silences.
And always, Free Palestine. Call for an immediate ceasefire. Call your representatives. Write letters. Make resistance art. Speak up. Do your bit. Do not be a bystander.
Mariyam Haider is an independent writer-researcher, producer & host of Main Bhi Muslim podcast, and spoken word artist creating works on feminism, culture and society. Her writing has appeared in Scroll, Kontinentalist, Asian Review of Books, Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, AWARE, Livemint, Mekong Review, among others. You can follow Mariyamâs other work on Instagram or LinkedIn.
All proceeds from the watermelon pins made by Singaporean poet and textile artist, Jennifer Anne Champion will go to Medical Aid for Palestinians. You can place your order here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1sHMT43WIdf7hVcugchNzm2Nym2nlmThNvamqeq00e0U/viewform?edit_requested=true
References:
Teach-in on Gaza with Omar Barghouti, Tareq Baconi, Ahmed Eldin, Isabella Hammad, Noura Erakat, Diana Buttu moderated by Fatima Bhutto
Angela Davis: 'Palestine is a moral litmus test for the world' | UpFront (Al Jazeera English, 28 Oct, 2023)
On Communities and Intersectional Solidarity (Mariyam Haider, Substack, 18 Oct, 2023)
Black Liturgies - Instagram (Cole Arthur Riley, 29 Oct, 23)