Re-looking at the losses & failures of 2022
A tender note to self to allow more compassion and fearless curiosity in life
As the end of the year approaches, I’m looking at the losses that defined it. I lost another year to having a fragile relationship with my mother. I lost memories of my childhood (that might never come back), opportunities to relive them, chances to resurrect them. I lost time to anxiety and fear. I lost two dear friendships and on reaching out to new ones. I lost time to social media. I lost chances to observe my parents not as their child but a witness to their finite lives. I lost so many banal moments and did not record the uniqueness of each. I let go of maintaining the routine that helps me respect my body.
So many of these losses are not simply a reflection of my individual failure, rather a result of living in a society driven by the machinations of attention-grabbing internet companies, rigid patriarchal burdens, stigma around mental health and well-being, and most importantly, failure to acknowledge the simple act of being human.
With this bit of self-reflection, I am looking at some of the books, interactions, experiences and new finds from 2022. They might offer me a chance at overcoming some of these losses in the new year.
Sarah Manguso’s Very Cold People - The novel is narrated by a young girl, Ruth, as she examines and goes through the class-driven realities of a small American town. Manguso’s searing attention to detail creates images of Ruth’s parents, friends, relatives and classmates, each of them reminding me of the disparities that exist between people and their versions that we live with. Her writing does not sanitise the complications that a child is forced to live with when everyone them is pretending to be someone else. Ruth’s questions, affirmations and misgivings, encompass the horrors of growing up around those who refuse to grow up themselves - making it an unputdownable read.
“I thought I'd die of it, but I didn't die. You can learn to eat violence. There is pleasure in not resisting. I dedicated myself to teaching my bully just how much a person can consume.” - Ruth
Memoir Writing Workshop by Natasha Badhwar - To anyone interested in pursuing personal essay or memoir writing, the workshops by filmmaker and author, Natasha Badhwar are a fantastic starting step. I had the chance to join the workshop earlier this year, and I came out, reinvigorated to write, determined to sit with my experiences and have a conversation with them. The five-week workshop offers an enriching experience for emerging writers, helping them build a community and nourish themselves in the company of kind and compassionate listeners. The cherry on top is Natasha’s warm presence and bird-song kind facilitation that invokes self-acceptance within the group and on the page.
“When things are too emotional, make a list of all things you want to write. Let it be a step by step process.” - Natasha Badhwar
Interviewing Pakistani dancer and social activist, Sheema Kermani - I first witnessed Sheema Kermani’s grace and ease in Coke Studio’s Pasoori video. As I read more about her, I was enamoured by her courage and commitment while championing freedom of arts and expression in Pakistan. Over the course of the interview, what really inspired me was Kermani’s tireless energy, resourcefulness and joie de vivre towards her activism without any rose-tinted aspirations.
“The more I delved into why I’m doing it, the more I felt that I have to do it. There was a force inside me that said this is what you have to do. This pushed me to adjust to whatever possibilities were available to me.” - Sheema Kermani
Négar Djavadi’s Disoriental - The novel is a powerful story about an Iranian family living in Paris, reeling under the threat and anxieties of the Islamic regime. The principal character, Kimiâ, interlopes between her present, past and what would be an idyllic future. Her story is driven by personal losses, political threats and social anxieties but not defined by them. This gripping prose is a masterclass in weaving personal and political and depicting how closely it can impact a family’s dynamics, despite one’s best efforts to emerge from it.
“Our uprooting had turned us into strangers, not only to other people, but to one another. People always think hard times bring you closer together, but that’s not the case with exile. Survival is a very personal matter.”
All About Love by Bell Hooks - I finally picked up this highly acclaimed book and much of what has been said / written about it is simply true. Hooks’ tenacious understanding of the word love, commitment to holding the mirror to our society and lending the warm embrace to help us heal of our emotional wounds - all comes together in this book. All About Love is a gift to us all. Read it, gift it, remember it.
“We fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. What becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.” - Bell Hooks
Wishing everyone a beautiful, calm and healing new year. 🌻 See you in 2023.
Mariyam Haider publishes poetry, non-fiction and personal essays on feminism, culture and social justice. Her work has appeared in Scroll, Asian Review of Books, Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, Livemint, Mekong Review, among others.
She has worked as researcher-fact checker on James Crabtree’s ‘Billionaire Raj’ (2018) and science journalist Angela Saini’s upcoming book ‘The Patriarchs’ (2023).
Mariyam also produces and hosts ‘Main Bhi Muslim’ podcast, which offers a space to people from the Indian Muslim community to share their diverse lived experiences.
You can follow her work on Instagram or LinkedIn. She currently lives in Singapore.
What a beautiful portrayal of losses Mariyam!
Wishing that you keep this journey of writing alive in 2023