Learning to offer solace to loved ones in hard times
By recognising the degree of emotional support we bring to our relationship
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“Hey Mariyam. So yesterday evening Papa succumbed to his illness. We are back home for last rites.”
As I read and re-read my friend’s message, words evaded me. I tried articulating some sentences but nothing coherent really came out. Statements like ‘deeply sorry’ ‘prayers and thoughts’ ‘condolences’ fell flat in the face of our friendship. These phrases almost rang empty of the emotions I was having towards her.
The struggle of finding the right words in moments of loss, grief and unforeseen tragedy is remarkably understated. While we’re inundated with multiple communication channels and emojis, the right words at the right time seem to have escaped us, often leading to cookie-cutter statements.
Communication gets especially harder as relationships evolve. This becomes glaring when the status of a relationship is unclear, often leading to misunderstandings.
Who was once a close friend, might at present, be a distant one. What used to be a distant familial relationship might today be on its way to recovery. A working relationship might be turning into a friendship.
When I thought about what to write to my friend, all I could think of were our conversations in the past year. Her updates, anxieties, moments of ease, regrets, hopes and possibilities. As her father underwent treatments, she shared updates on the progress, doctor’s opinions, her own state of mind and that of her parents’. We sometimes discussed and even laughed at instances when she had to parent her father.
Were there any words that could bring solace to her? What was my role here? Where in the larger gathering of relationships that she was surrounded by, did my words fit?
Management thinker and award-winning psychologist, Susan David, has written about the difference between sympathy, empathy and compassion.1 This wonderful resource (image below) offers a simple yet clear direction that one can take when offering their time and words to someone in distress. In any relationship, recognising what degree of emotional support one can offer, could immensely help in improving that communication.
As my understanding of what emotion I could convincingly offer to my friend became clearer, my words and thoughts became clearer too. My decisions on how to support her and express myself, got articulated better. I finally wrote to her, expressing my deep sympathies and hope that she would find ways to be self-compassionate.
Earlier this year, Booker Prize winner, Shehan Karunatilaka was asked how does one write about characters, events, situations that one has not witnessed. He stated as a matter-of-fact, “You shouldn’t be placing visas on where your imagination can go. Do it with empathy and research.”
I wonder, what would empathy and research look like when offering our words to those we truly love?
Beyond words can we identify tangible ways that speak the language of love? Author and counsellor Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages come to mind.2 He identifies acts of service, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts and words of affirmation, as the love languages that can strengthen a relationship. While he has specifically identified them for long-term romantic relationships, can friendships and other relationships not follow certain love languages too?
Where words fail, can attention, presents, and service take over?
As I write this, another friend’s father recovers from a serious accident. I’m looking for the language and emotions that she needs and those that I can offer.
Mariyam Haider publishes poetry, non-fiction and personal essays on feminism, culture and social justice. Her work has appeared in Scroll, Asian Review of Books, Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, Livemint, Mekong Review, among others.
She has worked as researcher-fact checker on James Crabtree’s ‘Billionaire Raj’ (2018) and science journalist Angela Saini’s upcoming book ‘The Patriarchs’ (2023).
Mariyam also produces and hosts ‘Main Bhi Muslim’ podcast, which offers a space to people from the Indian Muslim community to share their diverse lived experiences.
You can follow her work on Instagram or LinkedIn. She currently lives in Singapore.
https://www.susandavid.com/resource/sympathy-empathy-compassion
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jul/15/whats-your-love-language-take-our-quiz-and-find-out